The Queer Autistic Holiday Survival Guide.
Here in the United States many of us are gearing up for the holiday season-including holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and New Years. While everyone’s relationship to the holidays is going to look different it can sometimes feel like a hellish season for queer and nuerodivergent people. For some autistics holidays gatherings can be a very specific type of autistic hell and cause meltdowns, shutdowns and sensory overload. For some LGBTQIA+ people, family gatherings can range the spectrum from uncomfortable to experiencing micro agressions, homophobia and transphobia. In this blog post I’m going to share some tips and tools for navigating the holidays while honoring your needs and prioritizing your well being.
What is the cost?
Image description: Over a blue background there is a title that reads “What’s the cost?” The text details how it’s important to ask “what’s the cost” while navigating holiday events. In white squares and next to the corresponding numbers 1-3, there are three questions: “What would be the cost for my autistic wellness?”, “what would be the cost for my queer wellness?” and “what would it take for me to recover from this event?” There are two holiday themed graphics.
A great starting place for exploring how to navigate the holidays is to go over specific holiday events and to ask yourself: “what is the cost?” By asking “what is the cost?” you’re getting clarity on the impact specific events or gatherings might have for you. It might be supportive to ask yourself:
“What would be the cost for my autistic wellness?” Would going to this event drain all of your spoons or send you into a meltdown?
“What would be the cost for my queer wellness?” Perhaps that’s identifying if it’s a space that’s queer affirming and supportive-or perhaps not.
“What would it take for me to recover from this event?”
Once you know the cost you can then make a decision on if it would be supportive to attend the event or not. It’s important to note that sometimes there might be events that have a “high cost” but that we feel like we still need or want to attend. Further down in this blog post I’ll share how to support yourself as much as possible during events that aren’t accessible or supportive for you.
But is it safe?
A big way we can prioritize our queer and neurodivergent wellness during the holidays is by checking in and asking ourselves: “would this be safe for me?” By safety I mean:
Would this be safe for you as a neurodivergent and/or queer person?
Is the environment an emotionally, physically and sensory safe space for you?
Will your identities be respected at this gathering?
It might be unsafe if you have the sense that:
Your gender and sexual orientation won’t be respected. That could include being misgendered, experiencing micro aggressions or knowing that there will be people there “debating” queer and trans rights.
If the environment would be a sensory hell for you.
If there will be people there that you feel physically and/or emotionally unsafe around.
If you feel like a specific event wouldn’t be safe you for it might be supportive to:
Consider not going or to arrange your own gathering that feels safer. Example: if celebrating with family doesn’t feel safe, perhaps you create a neuroqueer gathering with your friends.
Share some needs or boundaries with people in charge of the event.
Have an escape plan. If you feel like you want to try attending it might be supportive to having a person you can contact if you need help, arrange for a shorter time there and have resources if you need support.
A sweet queer autistic reminder that you deserve to be safe.
Make events as accessible and supportive as possible.
Perhaps you’ve identified that you want to go to a specific event that you know isn’t going to be accessible or supportive. Sometimes we decide to do things knowing that our values might not line up with specific needs. For example: perhaps a value is spending time with your family even though you know the gathering isn’t going to be sensory accessible. When this is the case we want to make sure that we support ourselves by:
Resourcing before and after the event. That could look like doing sensory or rest breaks before and after the event, co-regulating with nature or a pet or having your meltdown and shutdown recovery plan all set up.
Be as supported as possible at the event. This might include bringing your sensory aids, make sure you’re wearing comfortable clothes, having a code or secret word with a safe person that means “I need help” or “I need to leave now”, having a sensory bag to support you.
Remember your go-to self soothers. Perhaps that’s gentle breathing, taking breaks to go outside for a quick five minute walk, using a stim toy or gently reminding yourself that you matter so much. If it helps, make a list of your sensory soothers so you know how to soothe yourself during the holidays.
Emergency scripts. If you’re worried about how to explain things like needing a break or having to leave-prepare some scripts. If might be helpful to have the scripts on your phone so you can access them as needed.
Have a very clear recovery plan. Even if you don’t know if you’ll need to use it, having a specific recovery plan will create safety. We’ll go over your recovery plan in the next section.
Your post holiday recovery plan.
Image description: Over a beige background there is a quote written in black handwriting that reads: “The holidays can be a lot and often holiday gatherings can take a big toll. Which is why it’s so important for us neurodivergent and queer folks to have a very clear recovery plan.” There is a picture of a brown flower underneath the quote.
The holidays can be a lot and often holiday gatherings can take a big toll. Which is why it’s so important for us neurodivergent and queer folks to have a very clear recovery plan. I suggest creating a very clear recovery plan even if you don’t think you’ll use it. Recovery plans are ultimately about providing clear doable steps to recover from a situation that has impacted you-whether that’s sensory wise, physically or emotionally. Recovery plans will look different for everyone because we’re all different humans who need different things to recover. Here are a few suggestions:
Get clarity of things that feel soothing after a stressful situation. Do you need to take a nap? Lounge on the sofa in front of your favorite TV show? Co-regulation with your pet or person? Pro tip: make a list of things that feel soothing and supportive.
Identify 3-5 things you can do after a holiday gathering or event to recover. It might be supportive to learn about neurodivergent pacing systems or how to track your nervous system.
Set up supportive systems. If you know that a specific holiday event will be taxing on you it might be supportive to do things like reducing social/sensory demands, have pre-made food, let loved ones know you might take time to respond to texts or to ask someone to check in on you.
Have clear meltdown and shutdown recovery plans. You can download a free guide to creating your own meltdowns and shutdown recovery plans here.
It’s important for your holiday recovery plans to be doable and clear. You want small doable steps you can easily take to support yourself in recovering. I also highly suggest sharing your plan with a loved one and sharing if there’s a specific type of support they can support you with.
You matter so much.
As we approach the holiday season it can be supportive to remind yourself that you and your wellbeing matter so damn much. Identifying your needs, the cost of specific events and how you’re going to support yourself are such loving things to do for yourself. If you find yourself getting stuck in how to prioritize your wellness this holiday season, can you ask yourself:
“What would be the kindest thing I could do for myself this holiday season?”
“What does my neurodivergent and queer self need right now?”
“What’s a small doable way I can support myself?”
If the holidays have historically been really challenging for you, please be gentle with yourself as you explore ways to make them kinder and more supportive. It’s okay to make “mistakes” and do things that aren’t actually supportive. I like to think of those moments as an opportunity to learn what I want to do differently next time. Not quite sure how to make the holidays supportive? Grab a friend, loved one or practitioner you’re working with and ask “hey, can we brainstorm ways I can make the holidays more supportive?” A great way we can prioritize our wellbeing during the holiday season is to know that we don’t have to do it alone. We can reach out for support-whether that’s a person, hotline, pet or a coaching or therapy session.
I am wishing you a supportive and accessible holiday season! May it be filled with neurodivergent and queer joy, sensory pleasure and happy stimming.
Thank you for reading!
I hope this blog post was supportive. If you’d like to share a bit about your experience with the holiday season-please feel free to share in the comments.
The information contained in this blog post is for general educational and informational purposes only and should not be construed as medical or mental health advice. The information provided is not a substitute for advice from a qualified professional who is aware of the facts and circumstances of your individual situation. We expressly recommend that you seek advice from a professional familiar with your specific situation.
Your autistic healing matters.
I hope this blog post was helpful in your own autistic healing journey. I truly believe that us late diagnosed autistics deserve autistic affirming healing and I hope you have the best practitioners, tools and support for your own healing.
If you’re seeking autistic support and healing, I’d love to support you in my 5 month program The Autistic Mentorship. It includes:
An intensive intake session & healing map to identify your goals and developmental objectives that we’ll work on in our program together.
Three (75 minute) sessions a month.
Lots of support & education: think recap emails + personalized practices sent to your inbox, neurodivergent workbooks and resources and two optional 30 minute check-in calls.
You can find out more about The Autistic Mentorship here.
Tiffany Landry is an autistic coach and trauma resolution practitioner. She works with clients in her program The Autistic Mentorship . Tiffany also writes a free newsletter on Substack called The Queer Autistic Newsletter.